darklight

What does one do when what makes one happy makes one sad too? When a laugh is followed by a sigh, when one has everything one wants but feels like it’s nothing at all? What does one do when the dream is just a dream? When you know it can never be real, yet you yearn for it still? How does one reconcile oneself to utter disappointment while expecting it every moment? What does it mean to be conflicted all the time? To want to run and hide, yet drawn like a moth to flame? To know that the wanting will lead to pain? To tears cried softly in the shower? A brittle smile to hide behind? A laugh that’s just a little too loud? An answer just slightly too quick? Why be brave when courage is truly the face woe? Why spend precious time chasing a shadow. A shadow held so firmly yet so elusive one wonders if it is really held at all? A moment ago…maybe? Who knows!

Precious time that drips constantly; a precious trickle the drains away everything. A trickle the rushes like a river toward the sea, an endless deluge that will sweep it all away. Time our endless friend, our precious foe. it seems there isn’t enough time to waste and yet it is wasting even now. Rushing to a crushing void, black, empty and cold. Bleeding my happiness every second, reminding me that time is wasting; time is wasting, while I wait and hope. That foul hope that springs ever eternal. The blight upon my senses, the dark light that draws me in and burns me close. Holds me sweetly and spurns me coldly. Kisses my cheek, then slaps it resoundingly…all in one breath. Fickle hope, persistent time, vague happiness, and creeping loneliness. Ever my companions. Ever my champions. What does one do when her champions turn upon her and show her their true nature? O the breathless weight of betrayal. A stunning wakefulness, an awesome reality. An intimate horror, full of shock and disbelief. A pale cheek reddened by shame? By the sting from the slap of reality? i’m one girl, without the answer. Tossed by a tempest of my own making. Sad, always sad. I don’t think there’s a day when I’ve truly been happy. So how do I know that what makes me happy, truly makes me happy, or does it really only just make me sad?