the pseudo-boyfriend

I found a neat new piece of urban jargon today on-line in my search to “define” what is between me and W*. I know it’s stupid and very female of me to have to even have a definition and frankly it makes me feel foolish and silly. Yet, so it is. And the term? “pseudo-boyfriend” it means a relationship where the man and woman share many things commonly found in a real relationship to include sex, but they do not consider themselves a couple. In a way it’s comforting to finally have a word to call what this “relationship” (for lack of a better term) really is. It definitely makes it less confusing; however, it is very cold comfort. All the pages devoted to it warn to never allow emotions into it and that the pseudo-relationship will never become a real relationship in most cases.

So my question is now what? I know I should quit wasting my time and stop seeing him. After all I’m not getting any younger. Nope not at all. Each day is a day closer to a life alone. I should stop playing games and get serious about trying to find something real. But then I procrastinate b/c I don’t want to be alone which is stupid b/c I’m certainly not going to find someone this way. Maybe I’ll just wait til I get back to the states to find a “real” boyfriend….sigh…that just shrieks “chicken!!” so silly and stupid. It makes me feel bad to know that no matter what I feel for W*, it’s completely a wasted effort. I’m his friend with bennies. That’s it. And you know at first that was just perfect! It made me feel sexy and kept me from going into a sexual coma after the divorce. But now, it just makes me a little sad. Sad to know that there is something about me or him that will forever keep us at a distance and that I will eventually move on to be alone again. Sad to know that although I’m hot, and great in the sack and cool and and and..that it’s not enough to be “real.” I mean seriously? R* had something more than I have? And the german floozy too? It’s hard to believe but apparently it’s true. Or maybe it’s just that I’m too old to be taken seriously. I dunno it makes my head hurt to try to figure it out. As the old song goes, should I stay or should I go now? Well it won’t matter soon. I’ll go downrange and so will he and when I come back I’ll leave before he does and that will be that as they say. Too easy. Distance is the best way to end any relationship, even a “pseudo” one. Then what? I’ll be ohhh 42 by then…jesus…how fucking scary is that?!?!?! Definitely not a spring chicken. I’m running out of time before my “cute” wears off and the factory closes for good and no one will want me at all. What the fuck dude, what the fuck. Even though he tells me not to “fret.” That he will always want me and will always visit me. Woohoo! Yay fucking me! What a life. Once again just gliding along on the surface, bumping into people but never sticking. Why after 40 years of living haven’t I found someone who really loves me? I should’ve just been a whore and made money off of what I’ve just been giving away to no good end for my entire life. Damn that woulda made things so much less stupid. Instead of guys having to pretend that I meant something to them, they coulda just treated me like the nothing they really thought of me. Then I wouldn’t be so fucking stupid and moon-eyed and confused over something that is nothing. I could look at things realistically and never expect anything real. Just give me the money and get the fuck out. I want to shout at myself hey you dumb bitch get fucking over yourself! Quite looking for shit that ain’t there and never will be! Quit trying to find whatever it is you’re trying to find b/c you never will and you’ll just be bitter in the end anyways. Just get the fuck over yourself!