The Blight

I wish I could get over you. You’re no good for me you know. So handsome and charming. Dashing and sexy. You’re nothing good for me. I long for your smile and your laugh. I wait for your approval. I quake at your touch, but you’re no good for me you know. I hang upon your every word. Smile into your eyes when you turn to glance. Laugh at your jokes…and quake at your touch, but you’re no good for me you know.

I want to please you with my every breath. I want to make you happy, make you forget the others, even just for a moment. I want to be special. Someone irreplaceable, remarkable. Someone you’re proud to show off, but you’re no good for me you know. I want to be stunning, intelligent and captivating to you. I preen to hear you tell your friends how wonderful I am, but you’re no good for me you know. I want you to look into the future and see me. I want to share sunsets with you and tears, but you’re no good for me you know.

I want to erase my doubts and fears. I want to subjugate my cowardice and show the real me behind the façade, but you’re no good for me you know. I want to be brave and move forward. To say “this is me. This is what you get. And if you don’t like it, you can disappear.” But I don’t. I cower, afraid. I worry and fret. Rejection looms ever near and threatening.

I pretend.

I show a brave face. One of indifference and calm. One untouched by woe or sadness. Uncaring I meet my foes, for what can breach apathy? What can destroy true disdain? Flippance is my trade. Mockery my banner. Why care? Why invest? Nothing is worth that. Indeed?

You have proven that. Nothing is worth the investment, yet everything is. Nothing is worth the pain, yet everything is pain. I yearn to allow myself to feel again. It hurts to feign so little. It hurts to feel so much. I dread your loss, but court it every day. I know it will come, so let us draw it nigh. Bring bitterness to the fold and succor it. Let it thrive, nurture it and soon, thought will become reality. sweet defeat will become mine. I will realize my fantasy of watching you walk away into the arms of another forever. However, I never truly held you in mine. So the point? What will I lose? Nothing. That’s right. Nothing is worth investing, for I have nothing. I have nothing because you’re no good for me you know. I will never believe the illusion. It will never feel real. I wish I could get over you, for you’re no good for me you know.